Me

Spring cleaning is a fire breathing whore from hell

November 16, 2016

Spring cleaning is a fire breathing whore from hell.

We’re moving house early next year so I thought it would be smart to clean out a few cupboards. Three hours into it and all I’ve managed to do is discover that i’m a borderline hoarder. I know that hoarding is a serious condition and by no means am I climbing over newspapers to get to the front door, but JHC… where did all this crap come from?

My wardrobes (and yes, I did use a plural there) are throughout the house. Always one to share, I have utilised everyone else’s wardrobes as a back up. Since having kids my weight has fluctuated – and when I say fluctuated i’m actually lying as my weight doesn’t move in both directions – but optimistically I keep all of my pre baby/when I was still skinny/hot single chick clothes just in case I ever fit back into them.

Some of these clothes are ummmm…probably wildly inappropriate now. My boobs would no longer sit in that perky way they used to in the brown halter ‘boobs out’ top I used to swan around in. This, my friends is a fact. But there it still sits forlornly in the girls wardrobe just in case my boobs start defying gravity and climb back up the mountain

I have jeans that I paid over $200 for 12 years ago that I am not getting rid of. Nope. Not happening. Either my bum decreases in size or i’ll be rocking those suckers when I’m eighty nine as you shrink when you get older. Admittedly I may have to get rid of the little crystals on the right bum pocket, but i’ll be the coolest granny in the world.

As for Winter coats? I’m covered should we ever decide to move to the Arctic Circle. Bali dresses that I haggled like a mad woman for? Nope, keeping them too. Undies that I paid a fortune for when I was pregnant with the stupid aspiration of being a pole dancer for my husband? Nope, not chucking that dental floss apparel out either. These undies may now only cover my left bum cheek and only some of my vajayjay, but aint that the point of sexy underwear anyway?

75 pieces of clothing staying and 3 pieces going the op-shop. Winning so far.

I stopped mid-way through and decided to sign myself up to one of those weight loss thingys you see online. I signed up to an Australian site that is run by a couple who look like Ken and Barbie with abs. Barbie used to be 30 kilos lighter and even has a photo of herself at that weight to prove it. Barbie also has fifty children and now markets this plan all around the world to insecure hoarding mums like me. F$ck Barbie – I bet she doesn’t keep her fat clothes in her closet like I keep my skinny ones. I bet she’s one of those organised Spring cleaning wizards that throws out one garbage bag full of clothes every six years. Faaarkkkk you Barbie Jean… there’s $70 i’ll never get back.

In my mind I know that all I need to do to lose this weight is stop eating like a bloke, stop drinking so much wine, stop attending parties/functions/watching bands, drink more water and exercise more. If you know me you’ll know it’s completely impossible at this time of year. It’s virtually Christmas and there is no way I can Grinch it out by knocking back food and beverages at parties. I’m just not the person that can go to a party and not have a glass (or 10) of bubbles. If i’m the designated driver I tend to get jealous and be a little bit bitchy/boring for the whole night. That’s not enjoyable for anyone yet alone me

So….moral of the story is for me to keep hoarding but learn to close more doors, eat cake, exercise some more, drink through Christmas, don’t be suckered in to any facebook videos from Barbie and try not to make false promises on New Years Eve to myself.

And no, i’m not being a pessimist or even lazy – I just know the type of person I am and I’m actually pretty freaking happy with life

Posted by | View Post | View Group

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply