The case of the awkward g-string
The night before my birthday I had a few drinks with The Husband and one of my cracking girlfriends. Just prior to my second wine I had to take a tablet for an irritant I had. No probs, I take a tablet and down the wine in great anticipation of my 35th birthday the next morning.
And yes, I’m fully aware that I just lied about my age, but please just take yourself off to hell for noticing…
The allergic reaction started on my lips. I remember my left eye started getting a little testy with me but at the time I just assumed the change from wine to vodka was making it’s mark. It was only before bed that I realised the itchy feeling was in fact rapidly spreading hives over my legs and body.
The next morning my gorgeous little family walked in with a cake ablaze with 28 (again…hell and off you go) candles at 6am. I noticed them step back ever so slightly when they saw my face. I look in the mirror and have the same reaction as my husband – except I didn’t give myself an insulting air kiss to avoid my puffy face like he did to me.
To be fair to him though, I did look like a very well fed crystal meth addict in those warning posters you sometimes see. My eyes were puffy, my nose looked like Alcoholic Rudolph’s (if he’d slammed the sleigh into a truck), my lips were just Hollywood Kardashian ridiculous and the hives over my body and legs completed this sexy picture.
What was I going to do? I needed some strong antihistamines and needed them quickly. I was off to a Keith Urban concert in Sydney that night and it was my last chance to convince him to leave Nicole. My swollen face and eyes did make me look like I’d just had plastic surgery, botox, fillers and cupping, so maybe I was in with half a chance.
I took very strong antihistamines and passed out on arrival in Sydney. My bestie Jules woke me up and told me to shower and get ready. Still groggy, I put undies and a bra on after my shower and called Jules in to show her my hives. She made the correct “oooooh” and “ahhhhhhh” noises but didn’t notice anything else was wrong with that picture.
Ten minutes later, while applying make-up I was getting annoyed at the coitus interruptus of my undies. Had I really put on that much weight since I last wore a pair of G-Bungers?
Mmmmmmmmmmmm..hang on a minute, how could I have put on weight just with my labia majora to make them hang out either side of my undies? I looked in the mirror confused and realised that I’d put a fucking pair of g-strings on backwards.
A Victoria’s Secret model I will never be.
Fortunately for you I don’t have any photos featuring that part of my anatomy looking forlorn waving from a pair of back to front g-strings.
Go and put on a pair of g-strings backwards and then try and work how stoned I must have been on Phenergan.
What an idiot.
I put the undies around the right way, had a quick voddie and went off for pre concert drinks with friends. Keithy Baby didn’t drag me up on stage for a pash – probably out of fear that my engorged mouth would engulf him and make him sound muffled for the rest of his days.
Thank God birthdays only happen once a year… I couldn’t handle that much excitement every day!