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The Bachelor 2018 – #001

Well stone the crows, The Bachelor Australia Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins is a freaking mop topped LOVE WEAPON!

Here’s the update for Trashbags – episode one.

Ok, let’s be honest, good old Osher is incredibly pumped that he gets a Bachelor with an actual personality to play with this year. And you can tell Osher’s twitchy by the way you may have spied a little movement in his duds when the Honey Badger walked in. The Badgemeister walked in and smiled while throwing out sayings (think Cooee, prawns and caterpillar socks all thrown together in one conversation) and mentioning that he was nervous because of all the ‘good sorts’

Struth.

Ehhhmeeehgeeerd, Osher and Nick just stood there giggling like naughty school boys looking at booby pictures.

Anywho, moving quickly along to the laaaadies arrival because “there’s nothing you can’t get through if you hit it with pace” (thanks Nick’s dad)

 

The Arrivals

1. Shannon – car care consultant and authentic artiiiiist as she paints while wearing glasses and drinking red wine. Seriously, wtf is a car care consultant? Is that code for car wash lady?

2. Brooke – Youth worker. Seriously Brooke, when a Producer says “hey, you need to get noticed, here’s some balls to carry” DO NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM! And what a strange coincidence that Nick plays on the wing as well (Diedre Chalmers, fancy seeing you here!) FFS, no love, NO!

3. Brittany – Radiographer…yup. ‘You can call me Britt’ is a traveler and has gone to 49 countries and wants to make Nick her 50th country. Ummmm, slightly awkward, as much as his hair looks like the Australian bush love, he’s not an actual country.

4. Cayla – the energy healer and my first ‘what the fuck?’ moment. I’m sorry all you hippy types, but honestly I can’t even deal with Cayla. She walked in telling him he was in her dream and carrying a pink love rock. Yup. I’m almost positive they edited out the part where Cayla rubbed the love rock on her foofa before asking Nick to sleep with it beside him.

AWKS.

5. Cat – A ‘farshun designer’ running an empire daaahling from Bali. “He loved me for sure” 🤢

6 – 9 was a blur (come on people, give me some freaking drama)

Oooh, a limo pulls up and one of the women, Cass, has been on a few dates and maybe even rubbed her boobies on Nick……….ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh STOP IT!!

10. Sophie jumps out while Cass is stressing in the limo (yes, posh cars only Darls) about her feelings. OMG CASS LOVES HIM! Sophie has a nice time talking about the water.

11. OMFG Cass is getting out of the posh car to make her way to the man she’s pashed. WHAT??? Ooh, I think The Badge did that face, you know, THAT face where you are like “WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? Nooooo, true love will be dead in Cass’s life forever.

12-23 Blur of women that are obviously not making an impact till later (like later on at the ceremony WHEN THEY DON’T GET A ROSE)

24. Dasha from Russian Adelaide. Seriously, what did I just watch? “DARRRSHA FROM RARRRSHA” literally did a standing reverse handstand with a muff exposing twist fair in the Badgers face. Literally, a beaver attacked the badger. She scared me.

25. Last but not least, Vanessa Fucking Sunshine (it’s “Vanessa Sunshiiine”) walks in. Ok, this girl has confidence coming out of her…ummm…sunshine and it’s blinding. As in blindingly fucking annoying.

The Cocktail party
Okay, so I know they’re going to make Cat a bit of a villain mainly because she suits the role so bloody well) but dur already. So it’ll be Cat and Vanessa SUNSHINE competing for #bachbitch

Cass looks around with crazy eyes trying to work out why all these other women are in the room. NOOOOOO, I have rubbed Nick up and I DESERVE TO BE WITH HIM, WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HEEEERRRRRE??? I almost feel sorry for Cass as the producers are all like “fark, it’s only Ep 1 and we’ve got an actual crazy in-love stalker – somebody get her some Tequila STAT!”

Osher walks into the room and the girls all start strangely chanting “Osher, Osher, Osher”.There was so much love for him that I’m pretty sure I saw some more wooden movement in his pants.

While we’re talking pants movement, there’s a worldwide first in Australian Bachelor (YOWZA!) the Badger will be giving out a key to his room. OMG, who wouldn’t want the Slapper Key of Love so you can jump the Badge anytime you feel like it? Huh?

The camera constantly finds Cass in a state of blotchy anxiety. Every single time she tries to get near Nick, the song “Desperado” starts playing in the background.

CASS STEP AWAY FROM NICK THE PRODUCERS ARE MAKING MINCE MEAT OF YOU! STOP IT!

Anyway, more happened. Cat confronted Sophie about dating her ex (#BASICBITCH) Vanessa Sunshine looked nothing like a ray of sunshine, some crazy chick jumped in the pool to get noticed (didn’t work) and then Cassie went for a chat with Nick.

For the love of freaking GOD, somebody please stop the poor girl as I’m starting to feel bad for her. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good trainwreck as much as the next #basicbitch but Nick is doing THAT desperate “help” look again. Cass declared her undying love by admitting she’d put Nck’s name down in her glitter covered dream coming to reality wish diary and I swear the Badger’s actual sphincter tightened right there on the screen.

The badger went hunting for Brooke the sweet girl (who carried her balls in) and gave her the Slapper key to the Badger’s room. Literal venom shot out in her direction from every woman in the MANSION

The rose ceremony came and Cass nearly had a coronary and cried when she got the rose. #blessedandmydiamondcoveredwishdiaryworked and Vanessa Fucking Sunshine absolutely seethed like a big seething sunshiny seething thing.

Pretty much everyone who got airtime got a rose and the background girls (no airtime girls) missed out.

Stay tuned to watch Cass cry tomorrow night

#basicbitch
#whatthefuckdidijustwatch
#reversemuffdiveisnotalwaysawinner
#vanessafuckingsunshine
#diggingthebachelorsaction

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