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Marriage Equality

August 19, 2017

“As a parent, I’m sure all you want is for your kids to be happy & find love – no matter who that person might be”

This page is usually about the lighter side of being a parent.

I try to keep it real and talk honestly about the trials and tribulations of parenting. I’ve covered topics from lost school shoes, my children, the hubby and I getting caught having sex, swearing and even (some might say unnecessarily!) stories about my vagina

A topic that I’ve never touched on is same sex marriage. My view as a parent however, is incredibly simple; I just want my children to grow up in a country that formally recognises that LOVE is, in fact LOVE.

So will I be voting YES? Of course! I will because I believe everyone has a right to lead a beautiful life.

To that end, I asked a gorgeous openly gay friend of mine to write a piece on same sex marriage.

So…PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, make a cuppa, get comfy and enjoy the read…the opening quote I used above is from the Tim’s piece so it’s well worth the time

Please share Timmy’s thoughts and share the love

Fiona xxx
Thanks to the gorgeous Tim Millgate aka Tina Turnon

There’s been a lot of discussion around Marriage Equality (or Same Sex Marriage) in Australia over the last few weeks, and as someone who is 100% same sex attracted I must say, it hasn’t been easy. The stories in the news, the articles you read online and let’s not start with the comments – it’s all been a lot to take in.

At times I’ve felt let down by the government, disappointed at the misinformation that is being spread by the “No campaign”, frightened by some of the venomous words I’ve read from the naysayers & worried about how this would be effecting the LGBT youth. I’ve thought – if I’m a confident, happy, out gay man of more than 18 years – how would these kids be feeling who might be struggling with their sexuality or feeling like they’re in a minority?

As someone that grew up in country NSW, a real gay boy from the bush, my mind then went to those kids that live outside the bubble of the city & who mightn’t be exposed to the LGBT community as we are a little more in the big smoke. Do they know they’re not alone? Do they know there’s a whole community (and fingers crossed a nation) that’s fighting for them? I truly hope they do.

I’ve been extremely lucky over the years to have an incredibly supportive family when it comes to being gay (and not only have they accepted me being gay but also been huge fans of me being a sometimes Drag Queen!). Thankfully, I’ve always known that I’m accepted, I’m loved and that I have the backing of my family and friends back home. My Mother, my Aunt and my Grandmother all still live in my hometown & I know they’ve been having discussions in their communities about the Marriage Equality debate & how they will be voting yes.
It makes the world of difference as a kid, knowing that you’re loved no matter where you are in the world. I’d encourage you to please have these positive, encouraging conversations around VOTING YES in your own communities and circles as well. Let’s ensure that Australia is not left behind (again) when it comes to same sex equality.

So my advice to all the parents out there is to have honest discussions with your kids about Marriage Equality. If they have questions, be a listening ear. If they have entrusted you with knowing that they might be LGBT themselves, my best advice is just to love them. Tell them they are amazing and beautiful and that if they’re feeling down that it does get better. Let them know there is an amazing community out there full of the most loving, passionate, creative people who will embrace them for who they are. If you need support for your LGBT kids, reach out to an amazing Sydney based LGBT youth service twenty10:
http://www.twenty10.org.au/ or check out the incredible Wear It Purple guys: http://wearitpurple.org/about-wear-it-purple/

I also implore you to check your enrolment via the AEC website & when the time comes to send back your vote, please vote yes. Just imagine if this is the future of one of your kids that you’re deciding on – as a parent, I’m sure all you want is for your kids to be happy & find love – no matter who that person might be. You can find all the dates and info about the campaign here:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/la…/email-me-your-questions-please…
You can also find loads of information (and donate to the cause, should you so desire) at http://www.australianmarriageequality.org/

Finally, I wanted to share something that a beautiful friend sent me last week that brought tears to my eyes. I was lucky enough to attend her (heterosexual) wedding in Europe last year & more than anyone, I know how she loves love.
She wrote to me:

“I can’t believe the conversation on marriage equality going on in Australia right now. Reflecting on my level of hurt, frustration and disappointment, I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. But as frightening, sad and surprising it is to hear the small minded and bigoted views, it is also extremely important to surface them so that we can move the conversation on and ultimately close it out, so that it’s no longer a topic that even needs discussion and especially no longer needs a vote. So take heart Timmy – this conversation is happening because equality is coming and it ultimately can’t be stopped. Love love. And that’s what I know for sure, that no matter what way the vote swings on Same Sex Marriage, Love will always triumph… love will always win”

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Lifestyle

Does anyone else want to dick punch reality tv?

August 2, 2017

Does anybody else want to dick-punch reality television?

I’ve had enough.

I want to make a ‘real’ reality TV show. None of this bullshit Housewives, Yummy Mummies or even The Bachelor/Bachelorette, shit has to actually get ‘real’

That’s right my Lovelies…

I’ll make a show about being a housewife (God I hate that fucking term!) and I’m going to call it something realistic like “Actual Mums” and can i just say; Actual Mums would flap slap the absolute crap out of the Sydney, Melbourne and Hollywood Housewives…combined.

The 6 STARS on ‘Actual Mums’ will show the more realistic side of parenting with epsiodes covering all areas :

Episode 1 – Meet the Families.
This episode will feature a bbq at the home of a Mum. All the mums congregate in the kitchen drinking wine or vodka while the husbands stay outside at the BBQ discussing football. 15 children run throughout the house while one toddler screams constantly while licking the floor.

Much hilarity ensues when one of the kids is overheard asking his dad “What does dick-punch mean and why does mummy want to do that to you?”

Episode 2 – The Raunchy side of Actual Mums
This episode explores the sexual nature of ‘actual’ marriages. One of the mums has sex with her husband every day, some three times a week, a couple once a week and one mum goes to sleep every night while her husband masturbates furiously in the shower

Episode 3 – Masterchef
Each mum will take you through her kitchen and show you her favourite meal to cook the family. Viewers will learn 6 different recipes for spaghetti bolognese and three variations of banana muffins

Episode 4 – Ladies Night
All the Mums try to organise a night out.

One Mum cancels as the babysitter was a no show, so only five mums make it out. One Mum leaves at 8:45pm as “little Johnny is a bastard and wakes up four fucking times a night so I’m knackered” By 11:30, one mum is crying, one is demanding shots of tequila, one is vomiting in the toilet and the other one is slow dancing with a chair to Bon Jovi . This mum has forgotten that she’s actually 43 and that chairs can’t dance for crap.

Episode 5; The School Drop Off
This episode takes us on the painful journey of the school morning.

From 6:00am, kids in half the families are awake and ready, while others sleep soundly as their Mums freak out about being late. Shoes and socks are lost, ties are misplaced, fights about hairdos/lunches/after school acitivites and what to have for breakfast.

You will find out which mum has her shit together, which mums are calm and which ones completely lose their shit and flip the bird to their kids 412 times each morning.

In this episode you’ll also learn how there’s such a thing as the ‘mum’s inside swearing voice’. ‘Mum inside swearing voice’ is a vocal bitch and says “for fucks sake” every five minutes.

Now that I’ve actually typed this all out, I don’t think a real show like this would ever work. Who the hell would want to watch other people living their exact freaking life? That shit would make me cry into my ice cream bowl 😥

It just looks like i’m going to have to continue watching things I want to dick-punch on television.

FML

x

(And yes, you’ll see I’ve discovered the expression ‘dick-punch’ and I love it. I’ve tried to shake it up by using the female version of ‘flap slap’ BUT dick punch won out as my favourite 😂)

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Lifestyle

Serena Williams and pregnancy

April 21, 2017

SERENA WILLIAMS WON THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT

The. Australian. Open.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I don’t want to toot my own horn or show up Serena…BUT here’s 6 of the awards I won while I was pregnant

1. THE WEEING AWARD 🥇

Killed it with an award winning 3,222 wees in 9 months.

Had I known that it was the last time I’d go to the toilet by myself I would have probably topped it up to an achievable 4,000 times.

2. THE CRYING EMOTIONAL WRECK AWARD🥇

I not only won this award, I cried when I received it.

I cried for any reason; a dropped teaspoon, a smile from a stranger, looking at a Bonds onesie or even just watching The Love Boat during a sleepless night.

I was (and possibly still could be) the best crier. I was so good I should have also picked up an Academy Award for best dramatic Actor.

3. THE I WANT SEX/NO I DON’T HORMONES AWARD 🥇

Hormones are a bust when you’re pregnant and the “I want sex/no I don’t” award went to me. I’m pretty sure there were another 3 million women fighting for the pedestal, but I was the winner – as my poor husband would still attest.

Pregnant partners just don’t understand there’s a 15 minute window each day that you’re a crazy wanton almost whorish sexual being…the other 23 hours and 45 minutes will get you nothing but a stab in the eye from the knife wielding nun you got pregnant.

4. THE HOLY SHIT I’M NOT READY FOR THIS AWARD🏅

Probably every pregnant woman should win this award.

I doubted myself on my ability to actually look after the my unborn child. Couldn’t do too much about it except read endless crap baby books. The only problem was all of the advice seemed to be written by helicopter mums who only scared the poop out of you even more.

5: THE OVERSHARING AWARD 🏅

I suddenly went from vague insinuations in conversation to articulating endlessly about the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaginas, stitches, hemorrhoids and other topics while talking to random strangers grocery shopping.

Yup. I used to be fearful of advice given and received, but nope…when you’re pregnant, you’re a bank of useless information and you’re happy to share it.

6: THE TOUCH MY BELLY AGAIN DEATH STARE AWARD🏅

Any stranger walking up and putting their hand on my pregnant belly were treated with the ultimate award winning death stare.

I looked like a cross between Jack Nicholson from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest and Kathy Bates during the ankle breaking scene in Misery.

Seriously, I should have had MC Hammers “Can’t Touch This” as my theme song.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. I’m a 6 times freaking gold medalist in all things non athletic while pregnant.

SO SERENA WILLIAMS…BEAT THAT!

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Lifestyle

Leave my damn 80’s songs alone

April 5, 2017

Yesterday I heard a cover version of Sonia Dada’s ‘You Don’t Treat Me No Good’ and nearly cried.

And no, it wasn’t because of any particular hysterical first boyfriend-drama memory. I nearly cried because hearing a remake of a song from my past just really pisses me off – and I cry when I’m cranky. Or premenstrual. Or hungry. Or sad. Or happy. Or watching ‘Bridges of Madison County”

Re-doing songs with a new artist is like Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher. Just incredibly wrong and makes me want to have a very long toilet stop.

When I hear a song from my earlier days, I love the minute or two of memories that invade my mind. Good or bad – it always gives you a worthwhile memory jolt. Sonia Dada memories were of friends singing and changing the words on bus trips, days drinking and perhaps a little bit of front-seat pashing. Because I was old enough to be that mature and pash in the front.

Now when I hear new versions of older songs it just taints my memories.

Like last year when Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Car’ was completely and utterly assaulted. “Wow” said my youngsters, laying credit to some trashy singer who couldn’t hope to compete with the angst-ridden Tracy. “Ooooooh, I really love that new song”.

So, I played M1, M2 and M3 the original Tracy version and they all preferred the new version.

HEART. BROKEN. I decided not to feed them for a week as punishment.

Only joking. It was like 3 days, max.

WHAT. THE. FAAAARK.

Don’t get me started on other songs and singers i’ve loved. Bonnie Tyler? Don’t touch her. Prince? Don’t even think about it. Toni Basil, anything by The Police, Bruce Springsteen, 1927, Simple Minds, Cyndi Lauper, Tears for Fears, Talking Heads, Bon Jovi (I have friends that would literally kill a singer for touching Jon’s music) Rick Springfield, WHAM! Irene Cara, Laura Branigan, Sheen Easton (please don’t ever redo ‘Strut’, I would seriously cry) Kenny and Dolly, Johnny Cash, ….I mean seriously, the list just goes on and on….and on and on.

So please, radio producers, announcers, programmers, recording labels etc….Please don’t assault my ears with anymore remakes.

Please just pay someone to write new crappy songs that my kids will treasure and be protective of when they’re adult enough to cherish their memories.

So in other words, please just leave Sonia Dada and the like the faaark alone.

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Lifestyle

Family reunions and love

April 19, 2017

We went to a reunion over the Easter weekend for Adam’s side of the Family.

“Oooooh” you say, 200 members of your husband’s family and we didn’t hear your name in any police reports on the news? I’m happy to report that ‘The’ Husband’s extended family are a fantastical bunch of diverse characters who all get together every few years to celebrate all that is family.

And to be honest, all that is family is quite simply ‘love’

I know you may have done a little vomit in your mouth when you read that, but honestly – love, was actually all around (and yes, I pilfered that from Love Actually as they’re making a fifteen minute sequel and i’m excited) the entire weekend.

There were different types of love witnessed, but the one that stood out the most was the love felt for his Grandparents. We call them the GG’s as they are our children’s Great Grandparents. At the family church service, this couple – wonderfully named Jack and Marge – renewed their wedding vows in front of their entire family.

Jack and Marge had four kids, who in turn had 11 kids, who in turn have…ummmm….lots (as we’re all good breeders apparently) and a majority were there to witness this gorgeous event. Uncle John and cousins Lilly and Taylor sang Hallelujah – just to ensure a future sponsorship by Kleenex tissues, our daughter Memphis and her cousin Summer walked the aisle to give Jack and Marge flowers and that was it…I was completely and utterly done. I was so done, i looked like a stoned panda bear with massive mascara issues mourning the loss of food.

70 YEARS of marriage and they’re still going strong. I was overwhelmed with emotions witnessing this momentous event; I was happy that our family had such an enduring relationship to look up to, I was proud that our kids got to witness their Great Grandparents renew their wedding vows, i was sad that this was perhaps one of the last great memories we would have of this beautiful couple and lastly I was tearful because i’m just a crazy hormonal woman since having kids.

All I needed was for someone to break out the Love is All Around song from Love Actually and I would have been on the floor in the foetal position.

Apparently enduring love in a marriage is bloody hard work but it’s worth it in the end. I can’t help but think that if more people could witness an event like this, perhaps more would fight to remain together.

So here’s to you Jack and Marge. xxx

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Featured, Lifestyle

Christmas and the bloody Target shopping Trolley

December 21, 2016

Can I just say, Mary and her son have a whole frigging bunch to answer for.

Shopping trolleys would potentially be the first thing I’d have a stern chat to Mary about. Honestly, I bet during her pregnancy she didn’t think, “Ooooh, I wonder how many women will be driven bat-shit crazy looking for Target shopping trolleys five days prior to my son’s birthday?”.

Nope. Not even a thought was it?

Mary, I hate to say it, but Jesus Paul Mary and Joseph, you should have seen the kerfuffle over freaking shopping trolley’s today.

I went a little schizoid at Target when they offered me one of those baskets that have wheels on it. Yeah… no trolleys so a glorified miniature wheelbarrow will do.

WTF?

Do you think the $49 freaking 40kg dart board and all the other useless crap I’ll buy – on my way to said dart board – will fit into that two-wheeled ankle death trap?

I don’t think so.

I want one of those shiny red lightweight Target (slightly smaller than Kmart) super-easy to manage trolleys.

And I’m sorry, but the whole “if you just wait for 15 minutes or so, our 80 year old trolley boys are getting the trolley’s right now” just doesn’t cut it with me.

A possessed Christmas-shopping mother does not wait at the front of Target, randomly picking up nicely wrapped chocolate boxes waiting for the trolley dude.

Mmmm… what to do? I eye the trolley-pushing shoppers and instantly feel red mist clouding my eyes. There’s a mother with a 10 year-old kid in their trolley.

TEN YEARS OLD!

Jesus F’ing Christ – sorry Mary, I’m sure F’ing wasn’t really his middle name…

Seriously… RED FARKING MIST.

Here’s a free tip….if you’re child is out of nappies, off the boob and talking in sentences, get them the hell out of that Target trolley.

I see a lady with a watermelon in a TROLLEY.

A WATERMELON. IN. A. TROLLEY.

Red mist and a feeling of wanting to go all Yum Cha on her engulfs me.

Get the watermelon the hell out and put some Target crap in there. Don’t be walking around with a pretend baby that’s a fucking watermelon, woman! Go all Jennifer Grey/Dirty Dancing and carry that puppy around with you like a normal person.

Next on my list. Old People.

I’m really sorry, but a trolley is not a walking frame. I know it’s much easier than a zimmer, but seriously, it’s five days before Christmas, my kids are on a play date and I have literally three hours to do all my Santa stuff. Give a woman a break and use the f’ing zimmer as God intended and give your damn trolley to me.

I now decide to take a leap of faith and go out to the car park in search of a trolley.

Red mist again attacks my vision when I see the trolley bloke out there in a cloud of ciggy smoke.

I then start to hyperventilate when I see the 412 Target trolleys sitting neatly like bored Port Kembla hookers on a Monday night waiting for their next John.

I wonder if they still even call them John’s, or should I stop watching old Law and Order SVU episodes?

For some irrational reason I race a 90 year old to the first one, stick my handbag in the front and go back in to start my pressie shopping.

That trolley came to the car to unload with me three times, the toilet twice (I’ve had three kids press on my bladder) and I even caressed her a few times for being so loyal.

Ho Ho Ho indeed.

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