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The Bachelor 2018 – #002

Let me just do a combined hair flick and giggle before telling you about The Bachelor Australia tonight with Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins

Aaaaand I’m done.

 

So here’s the ‘Update for Trashbags’ Episode 2 of The Bachelor.

Naturally we start off with a little bitch session on the lounge in the MANSION. It was the perfect opportunity to get us acquainted with potential #bachbitch Romy. Ummmm, did I miss something last night? I just thought it was #Bitch1 Bali Cat and #Bitch2 Vanessa Fucking Sunshine. When did Romy earn her bitch stripes? Hmmmmm?

We take a look at Cass and she’s looking around the room still confused as to why there are other chicks there. She glared at Brooke the holder of the Badger Slapper Key and proclaimed

“HELLLOOOOOOO!!!! Nick is mine! I pashed him a few months ago and even though he hasn’t seen me observing him from a close distance, I know he still wants me. Comfuckingprende BITCHES?” before flicking her crappy hair extensions nervously. Seriously, I’ve had 4 hairdressers scream blue murder today about her hair. WTF is going on Cass?

Nek minute, Osher walks in and some of the girls seemed to get little vag quivers. It was only after one exclaimed “oohhh, Usher” that I realised they’re actually confusing Osher for Usher…as in Usher. Yeah, nah he’s not Usher Darls, he’s actually OSHER FRUCKING GUNSBERG…and he’s as vanilla as you can get.

Single date.
Ooooooh, Shannon the arteeest glasses wearing car-care consultant is the lucky Sheila! Shannon looked “tippy top’ and met up with Nick who was playing with his solo ball on a random field. Nek minute a helicopter (WHAT? HOW MUCH FREAKING MONEY DO YOU HAVE CHANNEL 10?? You spring for a limo AND a helicopter???) arrived and Nick yelled in his best Arnie “Hey Shan, get to the chopper” The date seemed to go well, although Shannon spent the entire time staring intently into the Badgemiesters eyes like she was trying to hypnotise a snake. #lasereyesshan

Shan arrived back upset she didn’t get a kiss but disguised it well by saying “nahhh, I’m full of morals chicks, I don’t do that on the first date.

Cass smiles and does another piece to camera where she says “Have I mentioned that I know Nick?” #prayforcass

 

Group Dates

Ok, so group date for half the sheila’s was a sponsored photo shoot by Newscorp with their Entertainment guy “J MO”. There were four painful segments:

1) 80’s rock where Cass and her hair piece rocked some desperate leather and Romy licked her lips while suggestively humping a blow up guitar.

2)Firefighter Badger with Brooke the Slapper Key holder and Vanessa Fucking Sunshine. VFS wasn’t happy as she couldn’t stand too close to the fake heat (for fear of melting) and Brooke played the eyelash fluttering victim #omghecticchemistry

3) School. Cayla stood around as the naughty teacher looking like she had a wide-on while Cat did her best Kylie Mole impersonation.

YAAAAAWN.

4) The Yoga Badger. The Badge and Sophie. All I can say is that I’m glad poor Sophie didn’t do a rabid pop-off while giggling her way through the downward dingo. Crikey, that would have been awks.

The only thing I really learned so far was that there are now three bitchy amigos; Bali Cat, Randy Romy and Happy To Be In With The Cool Group, Alysha. To be honest, Randy and HTBITCG Alysha also seem to have some girl crush on Bali Cat. #meangirls

 

ANOTHER SINGLE DATE!

Nick arrived and poor Cass just stood behind him chanting “Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick” until he finally turned around to keep her quiet. Then he chooses Randy Romy as his pizza date at his Uncle Mike’s (shameless nepotism promo, well done) pizza restaurant in Manly (anyone else disappointed that Dean from Married At First Sight Australia didn’t ride by rapping on his skateboard?). Randy Romy wanted jalapenos and the Honey Badger didn’t want a bar of the ring stingers/bum burners. Uncle Mick disappeared and let the kids have a flour fight before Randy Romy tried desperately to outshine Brooke (the Slapper Key Holder) by sticking her hardened, randy moist tongue down his throat.

Now I’m no David Attenborough wildlife commentator but honestly, the Badger looked like a deer in the headlights with a massive semi bearing down on him. #runfordearfuckinglife

Randy Romy arrived back boasting about the first “authentic organic kiss” (AHHHHHH, DID I FUCKING MISS HIM RESPONDING TO THE HARDENED MOIST TONGUE???) and made Laser Eyes Shannon cry. Randy Romy then pissed off Tenille by interrupting a chat and tried to (once again) stick her hardened, moist tongue down the Badger’s throat. STOP IT ALREADY, I’M GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE! #bestrongbadgemeister

Rose ceremony and another moment for the producers to give Cass a deadest freaking coronary. Have I mentioned that Cass knows Nick and gets butterflies?

Blah blah blah…and it was a big HOOROO for Renee and the Bondi Rescue chick.

Faaaark, I’m exhausted

Fi xx
#badgerintheheadlights
#stoptryingtomakefetchhappen
#haveimentionedcassknowsthebadger

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The Bachelor 2018 – #001

Well stone the crows, The Bachelor Australia Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins is a freaking mop topped LOVE WEAPON!

Here’s the update for Trashbags – episode one.

Ok, let’s be honest, good old Osher is incredibly pumped that he gets a Bachelor with an actual personality to play with this year. And you can tell Osher’s twitchy by the way you may have spied a little movement in his duds when the Honey Badger walked in. The Badgemeister walked in and smiled while throwing out sayings (think Cooee, prawns and caterpillar socks all thrown together in one conversation) and mentioning that he was nervous because of all the ‘good sorts’

Struth.

Ehhhmeeehgeeerd, Osher and Nick just stood there giggling like naughty school boys looking at booby pictures.

Anywho, moving quickly along to the laaaadies arrival because “there’s nothing you can’t get through if you hit it with pace” (thanks Nick’s dad)

 

The Arrivals

1. Shannon – car care consultant and authentic artiiiiist as she paints while wearing glasses and drinking red wine. Seriously, wtf is a car care consultant? Is that code for car wash lady?

2. Brooke – Youth worker. Seriously Brooke, when a Producer says “hey, you need to get noticed, here’s some balls to carry” DO NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM! And what a strange coincidence that Nick plays on the wing as well (Diedre Chalmers, fancy seeing you here!) FFS, no love, NO!

3. Brittany – Radiographer…yup. ‘You can call me Britt’ is a traveler and has gone to 49 countries and wants to make Nick her 50th country. Ummmm, slightly awkward, as much as his hair looks like the Australian bush love, he’s not an actual country.

4. Cayla – the energy healer and my first ‘what the fuck?’ moment. I’m sorry all you hippy types, but honestly I can’t even deal with Cayla. She walked in telling him he was in her dream and carrying a pink love rock. Yup. I’m almost positive they edited out the part where Cayla rubbed the love rock on her foofa before asking Nick to sleep with it beside him.

AWKS.

5. Cat – A ‘farshun designer’ running an empire daaahling from Bali. “He loved me for sure” 🤢

6 – 9 was a blur (come on people, give me some freaking drama)

Oooh, a limo pulls up and one of the women, Cass, has been on a few dates and maybe even rubbed her boobies on Nick……….ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh STOP IT!!

10. Sophie jumps out while Cass is stressing in the limo (yes, posh cars only Darls) about her feelings. OMG CASS LOVES HIM! Sophie has a nice time talking about the water.

11. OMFG Cass is getting out of the posh car to make her way to the man she’s pashed. WHAT??? Ooh, I think The Badge did that face, you know, THAT face where you are like “WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? Nooooo, true love will be dead in Cass’s life forever.

12-23 Blur of women that are obviously not making an impact till later (like later on at the ceremony WHEN THEY DON’T GET A ROSE)

24. Dasha from Russian Adelaide. Seriously, what did I just watch? “DARRRSHA FROM RARRRSHA” literally did a standing reverse handstand with a muff exposing twist fair in the Badgers face. Literally, a beaver attacked the badger. She scared me.

25. Last but not least, Vanessa Fucking Sunshine (it’s “Vanessa Sunshiiine”) walks in. Ok, this girl has confidence coming out of her…ummm…sunshine and it’s blinding. As in blindingly fucking annoying.

The Cocktail party
Okay, so I know they’re going to make Cat a bit of a villain mainly because she suits the role so bloody well) but dur already. So it’ll be Cat and Vanessa SUNSHINE competing for #bachbitch

Cass looks around with crazy eyes trying to work out why all these other women are in the room. NOOOOOO, I have rubbed Nick up and I DESERVE TO BE WITH HIM, WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HEEEERRRRRE??? I almost feel sorry for Cass as the producers are all like “fark, it’s only Ep 1 and we’ve got an actual crazy in-love stalker – somebody get her some Tequila STAT!”

Osher walks into the room and the girls all start strangely chanting “Osher, Osher, Osher”.There was so much love for him that I’m pretty sure I saw some more wooden movement in his pants.

While we’re talking pants movement, there’s a worldwide first in Australian Bachelor (YOWZA!) the Badger will be giving out a key to his room. OMG, who wouldn’t want the Slapper Key of Love so you can jump the Badge anytime you feel like it? Huh?

The camera constantly finds Cass in a state of blotchy anxiety. Every single time she tries to get near Nick, the song “Desperado” starts playing in the background.

CASS STEP AWAY FROM NICK THE PRODUCERS ARE MAKING MINCE MEAT OF YOU! STOP IT!

Anyway, more happened. Cat confronted Sophie about dating her ex (#BASICBITCH) Vanessa Sunshine looked nothing like a ray of sunshine, some crazy chick jumped in the pool to get noticed (didn’t work) and then Cassie went for a chat with Nick.

For the love of freaking GOD, somebody please stop the poor girl as I’m starting to feel bad for her. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good trainwreck as much as the next #basicbitch but Nick is doing THAT desperate “help” look again. Cass declared her undying love by admitting she’d put Nck’s name down in her glitter covered dream coming to reality wish diary and I swear the Badger’s actual sphincter tightened right there on the screen.

The badger went hunting for Brooke the sweet girl (who carried her balls in) and gave her the Slapper key to the Badger’s room. Literal venom shot out in her direction from every woman in the MANSION

The rose ceremony came and Cass nearly had a coronary and cried when she got the rose. #blessedandmydiamondcoveredwishdiaryworked and Vanessa Fucking Sunshine absolutely seethed like a big seething sunshiny seething thing.

Pretty much everyone who got airtime got a rose and the background girls (no airtime girls) missed out.

Stay tuned to watch Cass cry tomorrow night

#basicbitch
#whatthefuckdidijustwatch
#reversemuffdiveisnotalwaysawinner
#vanessafuckingsunshine
#diggingthebachelorsaction

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The Bachelor 2018 – #000

Will anyone else be watching The Bachelor Australia tonight?

I’ve just had a goosey gander (I’m trying to get into the Honey Badger lingo groove) at the line-up of love hopefuls and they look like the usual Bachie suspects: the one with a strong accent, the hippy, the hard nose feminist type, a few wifey types, the botox lovers, the fitness chicks, the intelligent chicks, the booby chicks, one that will term a new ‘dirty street pie’ phrase and the one that has already rubbed their bits against the Main Man himself.

Ho-hum, same same, no different.

 

 

BUT it’s car-crash TV at it’s finest and I, for one, will be hanging on to every crazy expression and eyebrow raise that Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins can throw at the camera.

Fi xx

#trashbagupdates
#iwillonlyvomitinmymouthwhentheyalltonguepash

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