Aaaaand I’m done.
So here’s the ‘Update for Trashbags’ Episode 2 of The Bachelor.
Naturally we start off with a little bitch session on the lounge in the MANSION. It was the perfect opportunity to get us acquainted with potential #bachbitch Romy. Ummmm, did I miss something last night? I just thought it was #Bitch1 Bali Cat and #Bitch2 Vanessa Fucking Sunshine. When did Romy earn her bitch stripes? Hmmmmm?
We take a look at Cass and she’s looking around the room still confused as to why there are other chicks there. She glared at Brooke the holder of the Badger Slapper Key and proclaimed
“HELLLOOOOOOO!!!! Nick is mine! I pashed him a few months ago and even though he hasn’t seen me observing him from a close distance, I know he still wants me. Comfuckingprende BITCHES?” before flicking her crappy hair extensions nervously. Seriously, I’ve had 4 hairdressers scream blue murder today about her hair. WTF is going on Cass?
Nek minute, Osher walks in and some of the girls seemed to get little vag quivers. It was only after one exclaimed “oohhh, Usher” that I realised they’re actually confusing Osher for Usher…as in Usher. Yeah, nah he’s not Usher Darls, he’s actually OSHER FRUCKING GUNSBERG…and he’s as vanilla as you can get.
Ooooooh, Shannon the arteeest glasses wearing car-care consultant is the lucky Sheila! Shannon looked “tippy top’ and met up with Nick who was playing with his solo ball on a random field. Nek minute a helicopter (WHAT? HOW MUCH FREAKING MONEY DO YOU HAVE CHANNEL 10?? You spring for a limo AND a helicopter???) arrived and Nick yelled in his best Arnie “Hey Shan, get to the chopper” The date seemed to go well, although Shannon spent the entire time staring intently into the Badgemiesters eyes like she was trying to hypnotise a snake. #lasereyesshan
Shan arrived back upset she didn’t get a kiss but disguised it well by saying “nahhh, I’m full of morals chicks, I don’t do that on the first date.
Cass smiles and does another piece to camera where she says “Have I mentioned that I know Nick?” #prayforcass
Ok, so group date for half the sheila’s was a sponsored photo shoot by Newscorp with their Entertainment guy “J MO”. There were four painful segments:
1) 80’s rock where Cass and her hair piece rocked some desperate leather and Romy licked her lips while suggestively humping a blow up guitar.
2)Firefighter Badger with Brooke the Slapper Key holder and Vanessa Fucking Sunshine. VFS wasn’t happy as she couldn’t stand too close to the fake heat (for fear of melting) and Brooke played the eyelash fluttering victim #omghecticchemistry
3) School. Cayla stood around as the naughty teacher looking like she had a wide-on while Cat did her best Kylie Mole impersonation.
4) The Yoga Badger. The Badge and Sophie. All I can say is that I’m glad poor Sophie didn’t do a rabid pop-off while giggling her way through the downward dingo. Crikey, that would have been awks.
The only thing I really learned so far was that there are now three bitchy amigos; Bali Cat, Randy Romy and Happy To Be In With The Cool Group, Alysha. To be honest, Randy and HTBITCG Alysha also seem to have some girl crush on Bali Cat. #meangirls
ANOTHER SINGLE DATE!
Nick arrived and poor Cass just stood behind him chanting “Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick” until he finally turned around to keep her quiet. Then he chooses Randy Romy as his pizza date at his Uncle Mike’s (shameless nepotism promo, well done) pizza restaurant in Manly (anyone else disappointed that Dean from Married At First Sight Australia didn’t ride by rapping on his skateboard?). Randy Romy wanted jalapenos and the Honey Badger didn’t want a bar of the ring stingers/bum burners. Uncle Mick disappeared and let the kids have a flour fight before Randy Romy tried desperately to outshine Brooke (the Slapper Key Holder) by sticking her hardened, randy moist tongue down his throat.
Now I’m no David Attenborough wildlife commentator but honestly, the Badger looked like a deer in the headlights with a massive semi bearing down on him. #runfordearfuckinglife
Randy Romy arrived back boasting about the first “authentic organic kiss” (AHHHHHH, DID I FUCKING MISS HIM RESPONDING TO THE HARDENED MOIST TONGUE???) and made Laser Eyes Shannon cry. Randy Romy then pissed off Tenille by interrupting a chat and tried to (once again) stick her hardened, moist tongue down the Badger’s throat. STOP IT ALREADY, I’M GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE! #bestrongbadgemeister
Rose ceremony and another moment for the producers to give Cass a deadest freaking coronary. Have I mentioned that Cass knows Nick and gets butterflies?
Blah blah blah…and it was a big HOOROO for Renee and the Bondi Rescue chick.
Faaaark, I’m exhausted