I either have rainbow sparkly unicorn love dust feelings for my children or feelings that result in calculating how to hide evidence from crime scene investigators.
This morning I went from smiling unicorn mum to the lost shoe schizoid mum in 1.2 seconds.
Picture this…we’d all been up since 6am as apparently sleep is reserved for only the wicked. Up for two freaking hours and books had been read, uniforms ironed, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, everyone’s hair is done, it’s 7:54am and we’re killing it.
We had taken our time and I was positive today was the day we’d leave early (read: on time)
Me: OK guys, it’s nearly time to go. Has everyone got their shoes and socks on?
M1 & M2: Yes
M3: Ummmmmm….I can’t find my shoe
Me: Which one?
M3: Ummmm the one with the knot in it
Me: Where did you have it last?
M3: Downstairs with this one (holding up right shoe)
Me: Well go downstairs and get the other one quickly!
M1 and M2 help pack the lunch bags, fill water bottles, books and folders back in their school bags, carry all three bags downstairs and then M3 yells out
M3: I found my shoe mum! Can you come and help me?
So off I go to help, keys in hand and rabid eyes on the clock. Just one freaking day I want to walk outside and get in the car before 8:08am.
Me: Ok Miss, put your shoes on and let’s go.
M3: This shoe feels too tight and my foot won’t go in
I breathe long and slow breaths like I’m between contractions
Me: Well let’s have a look then
Ok, I’m pretty sure M3 is a bright child, but for some reason she has found an old shoe and was trying to stuff her gargantuan left foot into it. As she’s not a frigging Concubine it possibly wasn’t the best or smartest idea she’s had.
Me: Ok Sweetheart, where’s the proper shoe that actually fits your foot?
M3: It’s hiding and I don’t know where it could be
Wooooh wooooh woooooh (yes, that’s how I spell long fucking deep breaths)
Me: M3, you really need to find it this second or mummy is going to lose her mind
M3: where would it go?
Me: where would what go?
M3: your mind
Me: it’s just a saying Darling, my mind isn’t really going to…oh just find your shoe.
M3 starts looking and apparently this time her eyes are open as she finds it in two seconds.
Me: Oh look honey, this one actually goes on your foot properly as well!
My sarcasm is lost on her but is incredibly satisfying for me
Me: Hurry up!
M3: Don’t hurry me mum!
Woooooh wooooh woooooh deep breaths and lots of mumbled ‘f#cks’ while I try and slow my speech down to a normal pace.
Me: Just. Put. It. On. In. the. Car
Tears start welling and a one shoed child walks to the car with her bag over the shoulder. All three M’s are old enough to put their bags in the boot so I jump in the car, ask the seat belt question and off we go.
That’s when I see the bag on the ground next to the car.
Wooh Wooooh Woooooh slow breaths. Potty mouth in head, potty mouth in head.
Me: M3, why is your bag not in the car?
M3: Muuuuum, I can’t do everything – you asked me to put my shoe on in the car so I am! You should have been helping me.
Tearful sad face on M3 and that’s when I feel like I’m losing the mum battle. If only I was one of those helpful mums, all the M’s would be on time and happy instead of late and pissing me off.
We drive to school singing Toni Basil’s “Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey….” and the rainbow sparkly love dust feelings are back. Kisses all round and I smile at the other mums who arrive just as late as me.
Life is good.