Top 10 reasons Why I Go Schizoid as a Parent.
1. Kids Fighting.
It. Really. Pisses. Me. Off. My kids will fight over anything. My favourite lately is which person’s pop offs are the smelliest. Seriously? You all smell bad. Move on.
2. The poop in the toilet with no toilet paper.
I don’t know why or how as none of my kids are ever fly blown, but how does that happen? Apparently the guilty party is the mystical Poop Fairy who broke in, pooped, didn’t wipe their bum and mysteriously disappeared again. Poop Fairy is an a-hole.
3. Making dinner and putting it on the table to be met with a chorus of “I don’t like that”
Love it. Head spins with excitement every time that happens.
4. Supermarkets and their freaking eye level crap food for kids.
Anything decent is either too low or too high while everything that will make my kids act like ADD kids on smack is right at their eye line. I love saying no 453 times while I’m trying to buy the basics. Well played Cadburys… well played.
Anywhere and on anything. Now I know that if God didn’t want kids to pick their noses he wouldn’t have made their fingers fit so perfectly, but kill me now. Snot creeps me out.
6. Public Toilets at Rest Stops.
I get especially excited when we go on long trips and someone has to go to the toilet right when we’re near a rest stop. My kids are at an age where I have to go in, but dry retching while your kids are having a wee in a pit toilet is not how I like to start a holiday.
7. Waking Up at 3 in the morning to find a kid an inch away from your face staring at you.
This doesn’t really make me go schizoid it literally just makes me want to do a little wee in my pants. I’ve seen the movie The Omen when I was young and it still freaks me the crap out.
If you want to see me flip my lid, just keep the back chat happening. Smoke will literally come out of my ears and a little balloon will appear above my head with F-Bombs written a thousand times over.
9. Judgemental A-holes
You know who you are. You’re the one that looks at my kids when they dress themselves in a pink tutu, a fire-man’s hat, gum boots, bad hair and a Broncos jersey or when you catch me flipping my kids the bird behind their back. Whatev’s you perfect wannabe, I’ve seen your kids be little bastards and I don’t judge you for it. I only judge you for being an a-hole.
10. Hearing “muuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm” 10 minutes after lights out when I’ve just poured a wine. ‘nuff said really.