I love watching people at parties and drinking parents are my absolute favourite. Over the last few years I’ve noticed drinking parents always end up in different categories. Here are a few of my favourites:
1. The Careful Drinkers – these are the parents that go out as a couple and stay together for the entire night. It’s like they always have the others back so that no enjoyment can be had by either partner. They talk to you as a couple and always end up talking about how wonderful their kids are. I like this couple but tend to look at them as the fun police. They never get drunk and have a tendency to be a little Judgy McJudgy on all of the other categories. Can always be seen in the company of other Careful Drinkers and have little shits as children.
2. The Want To Be Young Again Dad Drinkers – these guys walk in and make a beeline for the other dad drinkers and talk football and surfing and their son’s football and surfing. They’ll start the night with good intentions by drinking mid strength beer… hours later – good intentions gone – you’ll find them playing British Bulldog 123 or UFC fighting while pausing for shots of rum/tequila and weeing behind the garden shed. Generally married to Swearing Fuc$%#@ Mum Drinkers and Hot Mess Mum Drinkers
3. The Swearing Fuc$%#@ Mum Drinkers – this is definitely one of my favourite groups. They arrive and start networking through the room regaling stories of their amazing kids, other school mums and their single friends who sadly haven’t met someone yet. After a few chardonnays, they’re talking about their a-hole kids and how they destroyed their once perfect perky boobs, those lucky single bitches they know and they’ll be giving lessons on how to evade your husband when he wants sex – they’ll say things like “just slap the tip on his effing dick and he won’t show it to you again” Basically they’ll just swear like a hooker gypped out of $20 on a Friday night in Kings Cross. Generally found in the company of everyone by the end of the night
4. The Muhammed Ali Drinking couple – we’ve all been there. You’re both two-or maybe five- sheets to the wind and everything is fabulous. Your husband accidentally looks in the general vicinity of that bitch you went to school with 20 years ago and it’s on like Donkey Kong. Just short of chanting ‘fight fight fight’ your friends all take steps back and wait for the show to start. This couple always ends up at the front of the house with the husband weeing on the next door neighbours’ car while telling his wife to go to hell. The wife reacts by calling him a tool and screaming “WE’RE LEAVING NOW YOU A-HOLE!!!!. Generally the topic of conversation in all categories by the end of the night
5. The Jekyl and Hyde/Hot Mess Couple – at first glance, this couple are very responsible conservative parents that just haven’t been out for a while. They drink quickly and look at their phones expecting a “your kids are sick” call to stuff up their night. Within 2 hours they’re drunk, forgotten they have kids and are demanding shots really really loudly. They’ll start dancing on the couch thinking it’s a dance floor while absolutely destroying Whitney Houston and Bon Jovi songs in a strange high pitched screaming voice. One or both of this couple will vomit in a pot plant before 2am and continue drinking only to then pass out on the front lawn. Initially can be found with your non drinking parents but after the third drink work out their rookie error.
6. The Seasoned Parent Drinkers – these are the most professional of the group. They can drink two bottles of wine/case of beer each and maintain coherent conversations till the end of the night. The next morning you’ll find them on the sideline of their kids football match in their BCF folding chair, drinking double strength coffee and wearing dark sunglasses. Probably shouldn’t have driven to the oval but nothing gets in the way of Johnny’s football. This couple is hard core and tend to associate with all categories during the night. Approach with caution as they’ll force feed their less experienced friends drinks… just for the fun of it.
7. The couple with no kids– they get drunk and have fun knowing there is no chance of a child waking them up 2 hours after they arrive home. Can be seen in the company of all categories throughout the night. Smug bastards…