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The Big Brain Baby


I just read about the UK Biobank research that suggests there’s a link between the head size of babies at birth and intelligence in later life.

If that’s in fact the case, my first born child will be the next freaking Albert ‘Big Brain’ Einstein.

I still remember the romance of being pregnant with our first child. I couldn’t wait for my stomach to swell, my boobs to grow and the flood of hormones that would keep me in a combo of happiness and tears. Every visit to the obstetrician was both nerve racking and exciting, and your partner/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend is as attentive as a fly on freshly delivered cow dung.

All that changed for me when my obstetrician looked at a scan and just made the

“Oooooh” noise.

“What do you mean Oooooooh?” I asked nervously

“Ummmm, your baby just has a really large head so we’ll need to take that into account”

WTAF do you mean, “take that into account?”

To this very day, my brain and vajayjay are still horrified by that simple statement.

I looked at the husband and knew that he was trying to stifle a giggle. My face gave him the ‘don’t even breathe’ look and his desperate need to keep living and see his first child made him change his face into a look of sympathy. Smart man he is.

Come delivery day and the temptation to walk into the hospital backwards with my back exposed introducing myself as Mrs F Epidural was almost overwhelming.

I was placed in a birthing suite next to a woman who was clearly being stabbed to death by a serial killer and told to just be calm. Ummmm… OK, put me next to a terrified moaning woman and tell me to be calm. Clearly, YOUR head was tiny at birth.

The moaning noises made me shudder and clench my legs shut, something I was starting to wish I’d done nine months prior.

It came time to push and all I could think of was doing a poo and the enormity of my future child’s head. I had sticky-out ears as a kid so I also had to remember to give an extra squeeze around the head as this baby came out to ensure its childhood was “Hey Big Ears” taunt-free. As it turned out, I needn’t have worried as the circumference of Mac’s head ensured that happened without any additional help from me.

I won’t go into any feral gory detail, but I will say that I only wanted to take my husband out five times. I wanted to stab him every time he told me to breathe and give him a great big rectal tear every time he told me how much he loved me. “LOVE? You Motherf (which wasn’t really an insult as I was nearly a mother and he did in fact well…you know…) How the f$ck can you love me when YOU DID THIS TO ME???”

He was down at the business end, being all freaking inspirational with one of my legs on his shoulder. I asked him if he thought being down ‘there’ would ruin it for him but he assured me that as a fire-fighter he ‘had seen some pretty bad motor vehicle accidents so he’d be fine”.

I was stunned. “WTF did you just say to me? Are you seriously comparing my f%cking vagina to a motor vehicle accident?”

Eight and a half years later and I’m still throwing that sentence at him after a few wines.

Adam retreated pretty quickly back down to the business end and I concentrated on delivering our future Mensa member. After our beautiful big-headed baby boy came out I was so overwhelmed by emotions that it took a while to notice the obstetrician was still between my legs. I asked him how many stitches I was getting and he responded with the “just one” bullshit statement.

I knew he was lying as he’d been down there with his crochet needle long enough to make a baby blanket and a matching set of booties.

That February the 12th is still one of my most incredible life experiences. Over time the rest of M1’s body has caught up with the size of his head, which is an incredible relief.

Reading that research today has made me incredibly happy that at least one of my children will be successful enough to keep me in a style I’m yet to become accustomed to.

So there you have it. The story of our big headed future CEO baby.


17 thoughts on “The Big Brain Baby

  1. oh man, too funny! i am in tears! classic xxxx

  2. I’ve just choked on my drink 😂😂

  3. OMFG…. hilarious!!! I’m sharing 😝😝😝

  4. Me thinks this counts as a big head! Thankfull a bypass delivery at 11lb 6oz!

  5. Would love to hear the unedited version over wine bottles 😂😂😂😂

  6. Freaking hilarious doesn’t even give enough credit for this post. Love it!!

  7. Omg… You are such a funny lady… We all need a night out on the wine, and listen to your stories… Xx

  8. Kelly Henderson….. Because u commented on this article!!

  9. Every time I visited the baby clinic i asked when they stopped measuring the baby’s head. Miss S was off the chart at every point. She didn’t walk til 16 months and I still reckon its cause she couldn’t balance her head. It caused a few tumbles too cause she was top heavy. Stitches on her forehead twice as a toddler – scars are cool. Its as well we cant see the scars from our post delivery stitches!

  10. This brings back memories! Thank god I had an epidural!!

  11. I couldn’t read much after “Clearly, YOUR head was tiny at birth” bwaahaha, but made it to the Dr crocheting bit……Hahahaha, laugh laugh laugh until you fart I say!

  12. Very funny post, thank you. I can laugh now that my child bearing days are over. 😊

  13. HA EAT SHIT Jake Davis Keeley Byles

  14. Oh Miss Fi reading that does make one want to cross their legs tight enough to stop circulation. That mummy willpower was pretty amazing to head back and produce 2 incredibly scrumptious daughters. Bravo !!!! Well maybe I have a dark horse (pardon the reverse pun from the mother of a kid with Albinism) but he was, as they classify it, a 75th centile according to blue book records. Maybe this article explains why he could recite verbatim all 7 verses of Puff the Magic Dragon at age 3, not that he uses this talent for any of his school work. Yes everything you describe I was petrified about as they let out the ‘ooooh he’s a big one’ as he tracked larger that a singleton pregnancy and my follow up reassurance question was always – I am down for a Caesar for these twins aren’t I? But alas little did I know that the fertility gods were not going to make things too easy. Madam became engaged at 23 weeks and like all girls, couldn’t wait. A dash to hospital ensued, drugs to stop labour administered and an interesting experience of a cervical stitch. How does one begin to describe the sensation. Well let’s just say it’s an eye watering moment that doesn’t seem to correlate with it being referred to in the singular. It would seem from this moment on Miss Rem decided she wanted to join Black Sabbath as she would head bang against it every 10 minutes for the next 13 weeks. The domino effect to this was for her to kick her brother and send him kicking under my ribs as a unique treat particularly interesting when navigating the Kiama Bends on my way to work. Then bless his cotton socks, as master D decided to turn breach at 35 weeks as his large head would challenge my ribs to see how far they could bend whilst pushing his sister into a continuous dance as she channelled her best Ozzy. At 36 weeks, whilst resembling a cartoon like caricature of a stick figure with whale sized belly, I was told that my son was so big he was leaving no room for his petite sister – go figure! So two precious bundles were delivered and dad got to do the bonding as I had stitches in one area and removed in another. If I was born in the 80s rather than a matriculator there probably could have been a trendy piecing that could have been easily placed into the stretched holes from my little rock star. But there is a positive that Bridget Jones didn’t share but I can when you give birth for the first time in your mid 40s. No stretch marks ! All things perky left your body back when you were focused on mourning the last episode of Seinfeld and organising your y2k bug safety packs, so there is no elasticity left anywhere to stretch. WINNER! Love your work Fi, you crazy kid xx

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