SERENA WILLIAMS WON THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT
The. Australian. Open.
Are you freaking kidding me?
I don’t want to toot my own horn or show up Serena…BUT here’s 6 of the awards I won while I was pregnant
1. THE WEEING AWARD 🥇
Killed it with an award winning 3,222 wees in 9 months.
Had I known that it was the last time I’d go to the toilet by myself I would have probably topped it up to an achievable 4,000 times.
2. THE CRYING EMOTIONAL WRECK AWARD🥇
I not only won this award, I cried when I received it.
I cried for any reason; a dropped teaspoon, a smile from a stranger, looking at a Bonds onesie or even just watching The Love Boat during a sleepless night.
I was (and possibly still could be) the best crier. I was so good I should have also picked up an Academy Award for best dramatic Actor.
3. THE I WANT SEX/NO I DON’T HORMONES AWARD 🥇
Hormones are a bust when you’re pregnant and the “I want sex/no I don’t” award went to me. I’m pretty sure there were another 3 million women fighting for the pedestal, but I was the winner – as my poor husband would still attest.
Pregnant partners just don’t understand there’s a 15 minute window each day that you’re a crazy wanton almost whorish sexual being…the other 23 hours and 45 minutes will get you nothing but a stab in the eye from the knife wielding nun you got pregnant.
4. THE HOLY SHIT I’M NOT READY FOR THIS AWARD🏅
Probably every pregnant woman should win this award.
I doubted myself on my ability to actually look after the my unborn child. Couldn’t do too much about it except read endless crap baby books. The only problem was all of the advice seemed to be written by helicopter mums who only scared the poop out of you even more.
5: THE OVERSHARING AWARD 🏅
I suddenly went from vague insinuations in conversation to articulating endlessly about the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaginas, stitches, hemorrhoids and other topics while talking to random strangers grocery shopping.
Yup. I used to be fearful of advice given and received, but nope…when you’re pregnant, you’re a bank of useless information and you’re happy to share it.
6: THE TOUCH MY BELLY AGAIN DEATH STARE AWARD🏅
Any stranger walking up and putting their hand on my pregnant belly were treated with the ultimate award winning death stare.
I looked like a cross between Jack Nicholson from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest and Kathy Bates during the ankle breaking scene in Misery.
Seriously, I should have had MC Hammers “Can’t Touch This” as my theme song.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. I’m a 6 times freaking gold medalist in all things non athletic while pregnant.
SO SERENA WILLIAMS…BEAT THAT!