Does anybody else want to dick-punch reality television?
I’ve had enough.
I want to make a ‘real’ reality TV show. None of this bullshit Housewives, Yummy Mummies or even The Bachelor/Bachelorette, shit has to actually get ‘real’
That’s right my Lovelies…
I’ll make a show about being a housewife (God I hate that fucking term!) and I’m going to call it something realistic like “Actual Mums” and can i just say; Actual Mums would flap slap the absolute crap out of the Sydney, Melbourne and Hollywood Housewives…combined.
The 6 STARS on ‘Actual Mums’ will show the more realistic side of parenting with epsiodes covering all areas :
Episode 1 – Meet the Families.
This episode will feature a bbq at the home of a Mum. All the mums congregate in the kitchen drinking wine or vodka while the husbands stay outside at the BBQ discussing football. 15 children run throughout the house while one toddler screams constantly while licking the floor.
Much hilarity ensues when one of the kids is overheard asking his dad “What does dick-punch mean and why does mummy want to do that to you?”
Episode 2 – The Raunchy side of Actual Mums
This episode explores the sexual nature of ‘actual’ marriages. One of the mums has sex with her husband every day, some three times a week, a couple once a week and one mum goes to sleep every night while her husband masturbates furiously in the shower
Episode 3 – Masterchef
Each mum will take you through her kitchen and show you her favourite meal to cook the family. Viewers will learn 6 different recipes for spaghetti bolognese and three variations of banana muffins
Episode 4 – Ladies Night
All the Mums try to organise a night out.
One Mum cancels as the babysitter was a no show, so only five mums make it out. One Mum leaves at 8:45pm as “little Johnny is a bastard and wakes up four fucking times a night so I’m knackered” By 11:30, one mum is crying, one is demanding shots of tequila, one is vomiting in the toilet and the other one is slow dancing with a chair to Bon Jovi . This mum has forgotten that she’s actually 43 and that chairs can’t dance for crap.
Episode 5; The School Drop Off
This episode takes us on the painful journey of the school morning.
From 6:00am, kids in half the families are awake and ready, while others sleep soundly as their Mums freak out about being late. Shoes and socks are lost, ties are misplaced, fights about hairdos/lunches/after school acitivites and what to have for breakfast.
You will find out which mum has her shit together, which mums are calm and which ones completely lose their shit and flip the bird to their kids 412 times each morning.
In this episode you’ll also learn how there’s such a thing as the ‘mum’s inside swearing voice’. ‘Mum inside swearing voice’ is a vocal bitch and says “for fucks sake” every five minutes.
Now that I’ve actually typed this all out, I don’t think a real show like this would ever work. Who the hell would want to watch other people living their exact freaking life? That shit would make me cry into my ice cream bowl 😥
It just looks like i’m going to have to continue watching things I want to dick-punch on television.
(And yes, you’ll see I’ve discovered the expression ‘dick-punch’ and I love it. I’ve tried to shake it up by using the female version of ‘flap slap’ BUT dick punch won out as my favourite 😂)