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Medical Idiocy

There’s a whole lot about me that screams conservative.

Sure, at times I’ve been known to liberally sprinkle the word ‘fuck’ throughout my adult conversations, I sometimes do 67 in a 60 zone, I’ve sometimes even popped off in public and blamed an elderly pensioner…but am I the kind of gal that could have maybe done a role in a porn movie in my 20’s????

Ummmmm, no…


Don’t get me wrong, I’ve shagged my fair share in my single days, I’ve smoked approximately 7 joints (and fell asleep after giggling for 10 minutes) had my fanny steamed, my bits waxed/tweezered/lasered, I enjoy alcohol tremendously and live the life…but ultimately I’m a bit of a nerd-burger.

How much of a nerd-burger do you ask?

My husband can ask the kids a question to test their general knowledge and I’ll quickly jump in before them with the answer. Life’s a competition kids and your mother’s a winning Family Feud, Sale of the Century, Who Wants to be a Millionaire and Funk ‘N Wagnalls freaking Guru.

So I have no fucking idea what was going through my mind when I had an MRI this afternoon.. Obviously it’s all magneticy type radiation boohoohaa burn your boobies off scary stuff, so they have to ask you questions for safety precautions yada yada yada.

The problem I have is that I get nervous in front of medical people. I’ve seen enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and House to be a classically trained Radiologist/Brain Surgeon/GP and understand that bad shit can happen. For this very reason, I question everything I’ve ever done in my life – just in case I’ve forgotten something and they’ll have to accidentally kill me because I forgot a minor detail.

Who wants to guest star in that episode?

So they asked me things like:

“Have you removed all of your piercings?”

I felt stressed. What fucking piercings would I have aside from a conservative gold pair of studs in my ears? And yet, my brain started going “oooooh…have I forgotten that I may have accidentally had a clitoral piercing when I was 21? Did I forget that there was a shiny drop diamond and ruby belly ring that I might have inadvertently both forgotten AND left in? Did I even ever attach any nipple clamps?

Jesus, I’d hate to be In this machine and have my entire clitoris ripped off because I forgot my Virgin Mary skull piercing was still in.


“What about any shrapnel in your body?”


“Ummmm, thanks for asking, there was a little bit of leftover shrapnel that Hawkeye and BJ Hunnicut forgot to remove while I was recuperating at the 4077… but I’m pretty sure i’m all good now.

What about any other implants etc…?

Omg, there was once a vibrator that was really small that resembled a bullet, but surely that can’t stay in there for that long? I actually looked down to visualize…. I mean, I’ve had three kids since then and surely someone would have noticed? I’ve also had a penis firmly implanted in there, but again – pretty sure the husband would have noticed leaving something like that behind.

I also thought about getting some new boobs once but I didn’t so there really shouldn’t be any reason to mention them…

So…ummm no to the implants.

I jokingly asked the red-headed MRI operator if everyone panics and thinks about this sort of stuff before they go inside. He did that odd sort off “you’re an idiot” smile and said, “ah, sure…sometimes I guess”

Meredith Grey would have humored me you bloody ranga..just sayin’

Does anyone else’s mind get a little weird about things like this?

NB: surprisingly no painkillers were taken prior to writing this 🖕😂😜


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