Category: Short Stories

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Fairy Tales Part II

No wonder there’s no part two to Disney Princess stories.

Here are my thoughts on how life is going for our fave girl Cinderella.

Cinderella part 2 opening sequence:

Cinderella: FFS Prince Charming…it’s school holidays, can’t you take the kids out for the day so that I can have a break? I’m going fucking mental.

Prince Charming: seriously Cinds, I’ve worked all day doing Princey type stuff and I’m knackered. It’s not like looking after kids is difficult anyway.

Cinderella: What the actual FU*K did you just say? Oh, don’t even bother yourself then you absolute fu*king knob jockey. It’s not like I haven’t been a slave my whole fu*king life anyway

Narrator: and it was at that moment that both Cinderella and Prince Charming knew he wouldn’t be getting a shag anytime soon

Seriously, I could write the whole movie.

Tune in tomorrow for the opening scene of Snow White Part 2.

#princecharmingisatwat
#cinderellaisknackered

 

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I Need A New Book Title

Help needed!

I was thinking about writing a book called “Hapless Hints for the Slapper Boozehound Mother” but realised that

a) it’s probably not a great title
b) I’m probably the last person you’d go to for advice
c) I have no actual decent hints aside from:

Sometimes your kids will be a-holes

Sometimes you’ll be an a-hole

Sometimes your husband/partner will be an a-hole

Sometimes other Mums will be a-holes

Your neighbour can hear you yelling so a low death stare and arm pinch can be just as effective

Wine is a great substitute for everything

Vodka is a great substitute for everything

Housework is overrated

You need at least two friends you can ring and cry to. These friends should also just respond by saying “they’re all a-holes, I’ll bring bubbles”

Your kids will love you no matter what.

Trackie dacks and ponytails are suitable attire

Sometimes you’ll cry/laugh so much that you’ll piddle your pants

Losing your shit doesn’t make you a bad mother – It makes you a normal mother

Your love for your family is all that really matters

Hiding in your wardrobe/pantry/car to eat chocolate is perfectly acceptable

You’ll gain weight and your boobs will droop. Just tweak yourself a little lower and all will be well in the world

When all else fails, lock yourself in the loo for a time-out while you’re waiting for your friends to arrive with booze

That’s pretty much it.

That’s a book right there yeah? There’s at least 2 pages if I double space the list 😂

Any other hints I’ve missed?

Let me know xx

#needanewtitle
#imawealthofknowledge

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BOOBS: Before & After Kids

Pic 1: your boobs before kids
Pic 2: your boobs after having kids 😂😂😂

 

 

A few years ago I stood naked in front of the mirror forlornly holding my boobs.

You know when after you have kids and you just stand there lifting them up and letting them drop to see how far they’ve fallen?

Anyone?

I turned to the husband and said

“Remember when my boobs were all perky and awesome?”

He responded with

“They weren’t that perky”

Whiplash turn from me.

“What. The. Actual fuck did you just say to me?”

Haaa the poor dopey bastard didn’t want to upset me by agreeing so thought he was being “nice”

Should have seen how nice he felt later when these droopy fun bags kept right away from him as punishment 🖕😂

#saggytitsdontcare

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